Reading “How Women Rise” was a truly eye-opening experience for me. This book made me feel seen and validated, while also showing me that I am not alone in my struggles as a woman in the workplace. It’s refreshing to see a leadership book specifically addressing the unique challenges women face. What this book does differently is shed light on the habits women need to break—habits that we often don’t even realise are holding us back.
The authors of “How Women Rise” identify 12 habits that keep women stuck in unfulfilling roles, feeling underappreciated and unseen. Of course, these habits don’t exist in a vacuum; discrimination based on gender, race, and other factors is a significant issue. But what intrigued me most about this book was its focus on what we, as women, can actually control.
Breaking the Habit of People-Pleasing
One habit I really struggled to break was the trap of people-pleasing. In the past, I would catch myself withholding negative feedback from someone I was working with, or avoiding delegating tasks because I thought it was my responsibility and I didn’t want to “overwhelm” the other person. At the root of this behaviour was a desire to be accepted and liked. It’s honestly refreshing to let go of that load, as I have taken the time to work on myself. It feels liberating to step back and realise that constantly aiming to please others isn’t sustainable and doesn’t help in the long run. I have learned that it’s okay to set boundaries and be honest, even if it doesn’t always make me the most popular person in the room.
Overcoming the Perfection Trap
Another habit I’m working on is perfectionism. In the book, one of the women shares her story of how she was going to do a presentation with one of her male partners from another firm. She meticulously prepared every detail, while her male counterpart, who was coaching alongside her, was far more relaxed. He arrived late, having forgotten his pants and showed up in cut-off jeans. He even tripped and fell at one point but laughed it all off. His bumbling, apologetic, and charming demeanour endeared him to the audience, earning him a standing ovation even though he had to leave early after nearly missing his flight. The woman reflected on how, if she had been in his shoes, she would have been mortified, highlighting how perfectionism often plays out differently for men and women. I’ve been there—wanting everything to be just right, feeling like any mistake would reflect poorly on me. For me, being a perfectionist was all about trying to control outcomes, avoid failure, and dodge disappointment.
But I’ve realized that this mindset only adds unnecessary stress and doesn’t actually lead to better outcomes. It has been such a relief to slowly let go of perfectionism, to allow my team to take the lead, make their own mistakes, and learn from them. I’ve started to welcome negative feedback without letting it debilitate me, as it used to. I’m still a work in progress on these two habits, but I’ve found that self-awareness goes a long way.
Receiving Feedback
One of the most fascinating insights from the book is how women and men typically respond to feedback differently. For example, when men receive feedback, they tend to focus on the positives and brush off the negatives. In contrast, women often hone in on their areas for improvement, even when the feedback is overwhelmingly positive. This is illustrated through the story of a highly successful and influential corporate leader who, after receiving glowing feedback, focused almost exclusively on the few points that needed improvement. Meanwhile, men receiving the same feedback might have walked away convinced they were brilliant and had little to work on.
I was reminded of a study someone recently mentioned to me, which found that women often receive feedback about their personalities and friendliness, while men receive feedback about their performance. It’s no wonder then that the coach in the book starts his sessions with women by urging them not to be so hard on themselves.
Women Shy Away from Speaking About their Ambitions and Achievements
What really stood out to me is how women generally tend not to speak up about their achievements and ambitions at work. We hope our efforts will be noticed, but often, this silence leads to being overlooked. When recognition doesn’t come, frustration builds, and many women end up leaving their roles. Meanwhile, men are typically very vocal about their ambitions from the start. Everyone knows who the man aiming for the next management position is because he makes it clear to everyone, including senior leadership.
This difference in communication can lead to a perception that men are more committed and loyal, while women are less interested in climbing the career ladder. And since women often leave due to feeling unrecognized or undervalued, this cycle perpetuates the belief that women are not as dedicated to their careers.
A Call for Change in the Workplace
It’s crucial to understand that for a long time, workplaces have been shaped by men, and those ideals still hold strong today. It’s going to take a significant shift in mindset to recognise the unique contributions and values that women bring to the workplace and to ensure that they are given the satisfaction, fulfillment, and recognition they deserve.
I’m simplifying the message of this gem of a book, but there’s so much more to say about the 12 habits the book covers. To give you a taste, here are three more that particularly resonated with me. If you are a woman reading this, which one(s) are you guilty of?
- Putting Your Job Before Your Career: A tendency to focus on doing your job so well that you neglect to take the steps that would propel your career a.k.a. being too loyal.
- Expecting Others to Spontaneously Notice and Reward Your Contributions: The belief that great work should speak for itself, without needing to “brag” about it.
- Building Rather Than Leveraging Relationships: Building relationships but not using them to further your career.
The truth is, each of these habits is rooted in a positive trait. Women tend to value relationships intrinsically, not just for the benefits they provide. We often value and celebrate the contributions of others and prefer to highlight team achievements over individual successes. Women also tend to be loyal, which is a very valuable trait. The key is recognising when these good attributes begin to harm rather than help our careers.
Incorporating these lessons has been a journey, but it’s one I’m grateful for. If you’re looking for a book that not only speaks to these issues but also offers practical steps to move forward, “How Women Rise” is a must-read.